Thinking About Shame

I do a lot of thinking about SHAME.  I no longer live in my own shame (I did for a very long time), yet I think about how so many of my clients live in theirs.  Whether the shame comes from abuse, hating your body, shameful events of long ago or yesterday, SHAME is often debilitating.  

Currently, my favorite author, Brene Brown, researches and writes about shame.  Most of her work is with women, though she has a CD and book about men, women and shame.  No one is immune from shame. We all have it, and no one likes to talk about it.  Shame begets shame because shame is about secrets; secrets we are afraid to tell because we might feel more shame for telling. 

It is common to confuse the terms GUILT and SHAME.  

GUILT is “I did something bad.”  

SHAME is “ I AM BAD.”  

It is the shame that leads to addiction and eating disorders, along with depression and anxiety and you-name-it conditions.  And the way OUT of these conditions is NOT the way we get into them.  The way out is by following directions.  (If you continue reading blogs, you will read a lot about following directions!)  The way out is to stop following the directions of our addict or ED voice and start listening to people who have what you want.  

Especially in the early stages of recovery, following the directions of any voice that contradicts the negative self-talk and craving is critical.  This is obviously very scary, because “What if I can’t do it?”  And I say, “What if you can?”

In the medical world, eating disorder and addictions recovery is about stopping behaviors.  Once you do that, you can work on shame recovery.  Shame recovery is about: recognizing your shame, being aware of when you are in it, asking for help, talking about it, having faith that you can move through it and stop living in it.  It requires courage and compassion, and in the beginning, faking it ‘til you make it.  I hope you’ll check out Brene Brown online or in the bookstore, then talk with your therapist or another trusted person in your life about it. As always, we welcome your comments.